Sometimes, I really struggle to like my own writing.
I think every writer has experienced this. They’ve probably experienced it more than once. The urge to burn everything, the utter lack of motivation and creativity. It’s frustrating. It’s angering. It’s almost like the more you think about it, the worse it gets.
Sometimes, I really struggle to be proud of my writing.
I know I’ve come a long way. I know I am improving all the time, and I know I have the capability to improve more. I know I’ve fought through struggles and learned, and specifically bettered my craft in ways I should be proud of.
The thing is, when I’m not in one of these “burn everything because it sucks” moods, I really like to deny that they are ever there at all. I’d prefer to think that I feel a quiet confidence all the time, that I can always look at my work with logical critique. I’m a generally positive person. I’m a generally very optimistic person. So being in a mood that isn’t positive, or acknowledging that sometimes I don’t feel positive, is just…icky.
It makes me worry what people will think of me. It makes me worry that people will think I need a break, or that I’m giving up, or that I don’t like what I’m doing. And these are all really silly things to worry about. Yet somehow my brain has convinced me that if I show a little too much disappointment, or if I let on that sometimes I feel negative that I just…won’t be liked.
But sometimes, I do feel negative. I struggle. I get disappointed. I often wish I was much further along than I am in this writing journey. I often wish I was much further along in life. And I’ll tell myself things take time, sometimes lots of time. And I’ll tell myself I’m doing fine, and I know I am.
But there are still days I struggle. There are still days when I hate everything I make. There are still days when I want to burn everything and start over.
And from now on, I’m going to be telling myself that is okay.
It’s okay to not always be positive. It’s okay to not always love what you make. It’s okay to get tired and feel discouraged and frustrated. THAT IS OKAY. That is HUMAN. We are not machines. Such emotions are not “illogical,” they are normal parts of the human experience. It’s okay.
I felt I needed to write this because I did hate my writing this week. And I’m still feeling some hatred towards it. Sometimes it leads to me starting over. It leads to mass editing. Sometimes it leads to me deleting a story and just pretending it didn’t exist. And sometimes, it just blows over. It passes, I remember that I don’t just completely suck, and I’m back to my general obnoxious optimism.
So I may not be feeling the most positive right now, but it doesn’t mean I’m giving up. It doesn’t mean I’m not okay. I love that I’ve decided to pour as much as I do into writing. I’ve honestly never been happier. I’m at the highest point in my life, and sometimes, I’ll still struggle a bit. And that’s okay <3